When I was studying at Harvard in the early 2000s, I had a black immigrant professor who had built part of his career gas-lighting anti-black discrimination in favor of 1990s-style black cultural inferiority tropes. My grad school girlfriends and I awkwardly giggled over “the sex parts” of his book on black assimilation. He cited statistics saying that black women did not perform oral sex as often as white women, making them less desirable sexual partners. Sexual incompatibility on this sex act was part of the motor driving black men to date interracially more than black women. I was struck by how he ignored scholarship showing how white women are lauded as the essence of beauty, domesticity, and ideal womanhood. Instead, in a reversal of the Jezebel stereotype, he explained this race-gender imbalance as due to black women being prudes. I remember that when we stopped laughing, we speculated on which black woman might have hurt him and whether this was scholarly revenge porn against black women. We also questioned how his much paler wife felt about this discussion.

Over a decade later, I noticed the increasing popularity of a similar dynamic: “Black women need to be more open!”

How many black women have heard this in reference to our dating and marriage prospects?

Black women’s inability to “open up” to dating non-blacks (presumably whites) was curtailing our attempts at finding long-term love. Oprah even emphasized this point to her best friend, Gayle, trying to convince her to date non-black men. Once more, statistics showing black men being more likely to interracially marry were used to show how our actions were deficient.  

According to the US Census, close to 90% of all marriages take place within the same ethnic or racial group, with whites being the least likely to inter-marry. However, black women’s intra-racial preferences, not anti-blackness and misogynoir, were the cause of our lower likelihood for marriage in comparison to other similarly situated women.

 Research by demographers shows that most non-black men, even those open to interracial dating, discriminate against black women in their online dating profiles. At the 2018 American Sociological Association annual meeting, Belinda Robnett (UC-Irvine) presented research showing white men were open to dating black women for interracial sex, but not interracial dating. Together, their studies suggested that, as in all pairings, it takes two to tango and, unless it is solely horizontally, black women indeed have better odds at finding long-term romantic partnerships with black men.

In my book, Boundaries of Love: Interracial Marriage and the Meaning of Race, I conducted over 100 interviews with people in black-white couples in Los Angeles and Rio de Janeiro. I had the privilege of listening to men and women across racial pairings share the monotony, excitement, struggles, and joys of being married to a person on the other side of the ethnoracial hierarchy. Almost all couples seemed content in their relationships. Several were parents navigating how to raise children who were comfortable with the black, white, multiracial, and multi-ethnic sides of their extended families.

One thing that struck me about the black women whom I interviewed was how several of them complained about their white husbands who “just didn’t get it.” As people on the top of gender, racial, and often class hierarchies, these white men often could not make sense of the privileges they accrued in a society that fought very hard to occlude them. The work often fell on their black wives to teach them how they navigated the world as white middle class men. A few white husbands were “woke” to these dynamics. When I interviewed them individually, we laughed about their couple tactic of wives “tagging” them for interactions with customer service representatives and other outsiders. This strategy ensured that they used their race and gender privileges for the good of the family. Still, black women in other relationships described the emotional labor of explaining intersections of disadvantage to their oblivious white husbands.

I asked all of the husbands and wives about their experiences in their “romantic career”— how they understood their desires for spousal characteristics through prior romantic experiences. Unlike the white women whom I interviewed, black women in both Los Angeles and Rio de Janeiro described the slights and microaggressions that they had experienced in the past. Several admitted to having been the “black girl in the closet” to nonblack men they had dated. For example, Lana was a 35-year old black woman whom I interviewed in Los Angeles. She recalled a previous relationship with a white guy when she was in college.

Lana: …. I don’t think he ever told his grandparents, for example, that I was black.  And when he told a group of his friends… they were like, “Oh what does your girlfriend look like?” and he kind of described me and was like “Dark eyes, dark hair, dark skin.” They were kind of like “What?” and it was very like “Oh…” like very, very surprised I guess. So there was definitely some of that and it was kind of difficult for me that if the relationship had gotten more serious that I was gonna have to worry about his family would perceive me or if they’d have – obviously they would have had a problem with me if they’d met me…. just because of me being black.  Not his parents but his grandparents because I had met his parents and I got along really great [with them] actually, but I think he was worried his grandparents just wouldn’t be very tolerant. 

Lana’s story was similar to several black women that I interviewed in Los Angeles and Rio de Janeiro. Like Lana, some black wives saw these experiences as a tactic that their previous white boyfriends used to protect them from anti-black relatives or to avoid white shock. Several black women were surprised at how long it had taken them to meet the friends and families of their white husbands. None of the white wives in either setting described similar experiences with previous same- or different-race partners. Other black wives, especially in Rio de Janeiro, described prior non-black partners being ashamed to be seen with them in public. For obvious reasons, black women who had these experiences expressed discomfort with these previous dynamics.

As Jessie Bernard famously articulated, in every (heterosexual) marriage, there are two relationships: “his” and “hers.” For this reason, it is reasonable to expect that partners were having different experiences in these relationships. When I interviewed white husbands in both places, several described having absolute autonomy to their relationships, both current and past. For them, their relationships were none of anyone’s business. As a consequence, they did not echo their black wives’ sentiments of feeling exceedingly excluded from white family and friend networks before they married. Nevertheless, when white husbands “just did not get it,” it was a source of tension in the relationships.

From a research standpoint, Boundaries of Loveshows it is unrealistic and unfair to blame black women for their challenges in finding love when misogynoir is embedded in dating and marriage markets in both the United States and Brazil. In addition, this research shows that interracial dating and marriage may involve its own particular sets of issues. At the same time, since no marriage is without its issues, it also shows that black women can form happy, loving relationships with white men.

On a personal note, as someone who dates black men as well as men of different ethnic and racial backgrounds, being open-minded to love should be a goal for everyone, not just black women. Unfortunately, that is far from our social reality and may decreasingly be the case in the Trump era. Still, when it comes to interracial dating and marriage, it’s time to end arguments of black female deficiency. As Marcyliena Morgan, another black professor at Harvard, advised, it is time to love us or leave us alone.

Comments

  • I’m a white person who grew up in predominantly black neighborhoods and who went to black schools. My high school was a historically black high school and even though it was integrated it was still heavily black. I was usually the ONLY non-black person in my classes and at the time there were EIGHT girls to every ONE guy.

    The first girl who ever had a crush on me was black. The woman I lost my virginity to was black. I’ve always been attracted to black women and usually, 99% of the time whenever a woman has complimented me or approached me in any way she is black.

    I can’t help but admit that I often have a deep attraction to some black women, but not because they are black. Whether they have light cocoa skin or are as nearly dark as night, I see everything else. Their eyes, the curve of their cheek, their smile, the shape of their body, the way they braid their hair, their style of dress, and yes I absolutely love the curves that many black women have also. I feel like things are just more honest and real in conversation. Maybe its just because I grew up around black women. I don’t know.

    It makes me laugh that my co-workers sometimes ask me if I “like black women.” I smile and reply, “Of course, sure! I mean if they are pretty and I like talking with them and they are fun to be around.” Isn’t that what it should be about? None of them realize just how absolutely stunning to me they are.

    It makes me sad because I know there are black women who would never consider dating a white man, and who would look at me and never even consider it. I went on a date with one woman who remarked, “Wow. I’m actually out on a date with a white guy and I’m having a good time.” I can handle a woman not wanting to go out with me because she thinks we wouldn’t be a good fit, but I don’t want to be the “white guy” in the relationship anymore than I would want my lady to be the “black girl.” That’s my lady, you know? Who cares what color she is.

  • The reality is that most nonblack men are interested in black women. OKCupid’s results showed that black women were the least messaged. Black male stats were’t that high either.

    • I worked for a black-owned and operated, floor installer and cleaning service in multiple states 6 years ago. I was an admin assistant to the CEO – a hard-working, dual-career woman with a PhD. She was confounded by being rejected at a predominantly Caucasian-dominted community college in the southeastern states. It was plain to me that rejection drove her to pursue this independent service career she could handle in the spare time she could carve out of her domestic life. Black professional women have much to offer for us Caucasian males. Have faith fellow white brothers. White women aren\’t always as great as they hyped to be – believe me. Before then, I worked with many black women striving to help their families by working weekends at a global food manufacturer and their full-time endeavors weekdays as I did. I hope my path crosses that of similar working black women someday soon.

      I stumbled on this website by random chance and my search for \’white men for black women\’ for the reference to it it was so deep in Google

  • I find it pretty interesting, thanks for this eye opening article for those of us down here (Ghana), when you talk of marrying outside our ethnic groups its a problem and to talk of a white man when you say such things, they look at you as if you are crazy and they just laugh at you so even if you love the idea of an interracial relationship it will just have to suffocate the idea because we are shy to bring it up its like 2 out of like 50 women in Ghana are interested in marrying a white man everyone is shy to express their views so to avoid that just be like everyone you will have to look for the required ethnicgroup you will be allowed to marry from.

  • This is a very good article. I am frustrated when people ask if I am open to dating White men. The next assumption is that I am doing something wrong because I am not attracting White men. I am not against interracial dating. Of course, many Black women have experienced encounters with White men who want the experience of sleeping with a Black woman.

    There are some White men who are genuinely interested in getting to know the Black woman who has captured their attention. Of course it’s awkward to discuss the negative reactions that you are likely to have with friends, family and complete strangers. But you have to have difficult conversations when you are entering a serious relationship anyway. So you will have to spend time to talk about the issues that will occur when a couple is interracial. You have to talk about that early in the relationship. Face it, a lot of Black parents don’t want their daughters with a White man either. I do agree that Black women are expected to be a lot tougher and don’t need the to be treated to the femininity of courting. If you are interested in me (Black or White) ask me for a date – lunch, coffee, or dinner. And plan the date. I do think that there are too many unfair assumptions that Black women don’t want to be courted. I want to see a man that handles his business – which includes nurturing the relationship. For me, it all comes down to how the man asking for the date, and later asking for my love and commitment will treat and cherish me and my family.

    • I work as a cashier and see many racial types of both sexes. Non-Caucasian women I see are generally employed, ambitious and usually beautiful except when they wear excessive bling. They receive immense pressure to meet cultural norms in the business world and domestically. But, as an older white monogamous male whose white spouse seeks separation and divorce, I sleep alongside a stranger

  • I’m open to dating all types of women, however, I find none as appealing as the black woman! I am a black man myself. Having said that, there’s no way a black woman can date/ marry a white man without losing a part of herself, her identity and her sense of self worth. (You have already stated the obvious reasons in your article above)
    I specifically target white/ black unions because of the long painful history of racial biases from whites.

    Every white person has implicit biases about the black race. I could go into a lot of stats and examples but in another forum.
    Yes anyone can fall in love, but what kind of relationship will it be if one cannot be themselves, express their true feeling/ opinion.
    One or both parties in their biracial marriage relationship almost always have to give up or suppress one or more of their inner convictions.

      • Perhaps, but it would require hard work to continually assert oneself if the partner does not make room for it. But then again, women can lose themselves in any relationship. The male/female power dynamic is always there. I love your end premise. We must all be open to love. I think finding the one you can your whole self with is always rare, regardless of other dynamics like race. Does love conquer all? Yes, sometimes, I hope.

  • Hi,

    Thank you for this. It is eye opening how the way we have a conversation works towards lifting people up or bringing them down. All the little things.

    Since I am not in the US, I try to correlate whatever I learn (here and elsewhere) to how I perceive caste in India. And, a lot of the time I have found correlations between African American experience in the US and Dalit experience in India.

    Intercaste marriage is prohibited by tradition and of course allowed by law (since it is against law to discriminate based on caste) and since mostly India follows arranged marriages, this situation persists. It’d be enlightening to see how intercaste marriages are perceived by society here (we have them, but oh so rare) and whether men and women experience it differently.

    • Very similar dynamics!
      I wonder if inter-caste marriages become more common with the growth in love marriages?

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